Parenting

Parent on Purpose has a continuous goal of assisting parents on their journey with their children. We provide services in two key ways.

Coaching

Are you questioning the decisions and choices you are making as a parent?

Do you feel guilty about your thoughts or actions toward your children?

Do you feel isolated and frustrated in parenting your children?

Are you concerned about your children's relationships with others?

Do you worry about the safety and health of your children?

Do you worry about your children's future?

Do you want to improve the quality of your relationship with your children?

Are you losing yourself in the role of parent?

Do you wonder if this is a good as it gets?

Parenting children in today's world requires an immense amount of patience, time, energy, knowledge and confidence. The pressure of raising children who will be trustworthy, respectful and successful combined with worries about how outside influences will impact your children and family can cause sleepless nights and endless anxiety. Parents often need an objective person to talk to about parenting issues to help find clarity and direction. This person--a parent coach--will provide parents with the support and reflection that help people rediscover their confidence and direction in life.

A parent coach is not a counselor. A parent coach provides support, encouragement, objectivity, and clarification for parents who are in a time of transition, confusion, or doubt. The parent coaching relationship takes place through emails and phone calls. Parent on Purpose offers a parent coaching program for parents of children ages birth through college. If you would like more information about the parent coaching process, submit your request in the Parenting Question box at the top right side of this page.

Parenting Questions

We welcome your parenting questions. Click on the topics below to see what questions are on the minds of other parents. If you have a parenting questions, submit your question in the box to the top right.

ADHD

BULLYING

COLLEGE

DRUGS

FIGHTING

FRIENDSHIPS

PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT

PRESCHOOL

Bullying

Question: My 5^th grade daughter’s best friend has started spreading rumors about her. Her friend has convinced other girls in their class to ignore my daughter. Now, there are high school students sending my daughter nasty emails. Should I just tell her to ignore it?

Answer: There was a time when we were told to just ignore someone who is bothering us, and they will eventually leave us alone. We now know that this is not always effective. Your daughter is being bullied, and this should not be ignored. Girls tend to bully other girls by ignoring them, spreading rumors, and harassing them through the internet (cyberbullying). Your daughter needs your help to stop the bullying. Ask your daughter to write down the incidents where she is being treated poorly by girls in her class, and save the harassing emails. Take this documentation to your daughter's school administrator, and ask that they work with you to resolve the problem. This can be accomplished through peer mediation, counseling with the girls, and consequences. Additionally, the high school administrators should be notified that some of their students are cyberbullying a 5^th grade student so that interventions can be initiated on their level.

Parental Involvement

Question: You are constantly saying that parents need to spend time with their kids. Well, I am a single parent, and I have to work two jobs just to pay bills. I am gone all of the time, but I can’t afford to quit one of my jobs. What do I do?

Answer: The economic realities of our society are that parents have to work longer hours to survive financially. Yet, children still need supervision, guidance and adult involvement in their lives for their own health, safety and success. If you do not have the time to be with your children because of work, then find other adults with whom your child can spend time. Relatives, neighbors and friends can all spend time with your children when you are not at home. If you do not have a support group to help you, join a church or organization where there are numerous youth activities in which your children can participate. Ideally, children should have quality time with their parents each day and be properly supervised. But, if this is not possible, then enlisting the help of other adults is essential for your child’s well-being.

ADHD

Question: My son is in 3^rd grade, and his teacher told me she thinks he has ADHD. I know he doesn’t always pay attention, but I don’t think he has ADHD, and I don’t want him on medication. What are my options?

Answer: Children are entering the school system with a wide range of needs. Teachers are excellent resources for detecting when a student might need more support, and they offer educated guidance about how to help a child be successful in school. If your son’s teacher believes that your son is struggling more than other students in his efforts to behave and focus, it does not hurt to seek the opinion of a medical professional. A physician will assess your son’s abilities based on information provided by you, the school, and his or her own tests. The physician will, then, make recommendations based on the evaluation. If you are not comfortable with the recommendations of your physician, a second opinion is encouraged. Your physician can provide you with information on what to do if your child does have ADHD. Medication is one option for helping a child to focus. Yet, there are also many behavioral techniques that can be implemented to help a child with ADHD be successful in the classroom. Talk with your physician about all of the available options, and do your own research about treatments before you make a decision. It may take a while before you find the best treatment plan to help your son be successful. If your physician determines that your son does not have ADHD, he or she can still offer suggestions for helping your son be successful in school. Your school counselor can also suggest behavior interventions to help in the classroom.

Drugs

Question: I caught my daughter smoking marijuana. I know I should be upset, but I smoked marijuana when I was in college, and it did not affect me. How can I get mad at her for doing something I did?

Answer: Your emotional reaction to your daughter’s behavior is not as important as the conversation you have with her about substance abuse. You do not have to be angry about her drug use, but you should be concerned. The marijuana drug that many people used in the past has changed. The chemicals used to create a marijuana cigarette have become more toxic. When you daughter is ingesting a marijuana cigarette, she has no idea what she is really putting into her body. Additionally, research now shows that adolescent bodies are growing and changing into adulthood. Teenagers who use drugs can have a stronger reaction to the chemicals than adults because their bodies do not have a high tolerance level. They are more likely to get sick and/or become addicted. Additionally, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and knowing limits does not fully develop until adulthood. So, teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior with the belief that they will remain safe. Marijuana is known as a gateway drug meaning that once someone uses marijuana, he or she will be more likely to try other types of drugs. Additionally, biology plays a role in a person’s likelihood to become an addict. Two friends might smoke marijuana together, and one can become addicted while the other one walks away from drugs. The only way to know which one your daughter will be is for her to try drugs and see if she becomes addicted. This is not a risk she should be taking. Research substance abuse with your daughter on the Internet or in the library, and discuss what you learn. Educating her about the facts is essential to her well-being. Have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to drug use. Be sure your daughter understands what consequences there will be if she uses drugs again, and follow-through with the consequences. Be prepared for your daughter to question your own past drug use. Decide how you will answer her. If you decide to admit to using drugs, be sure she understands that you have since learned about the dangers of drugs, and you realize that it is not a safe and healthy activity. Alcohol and drug use among adolescents cannot be ignored or taken lightly.

College

Question: I want my child to go to an Ivy League college. He is taking all honors classes in order to be competitive. It seems like, though, all he does is study. How can he have a balanced life and still get into an Ivy League college?

Answer: The first questions to ask is, “Does my son want to go to an Ivy League college or do I, as his parent, want him to attend?” It is very easy to put our hopes onto our children and forget to ask them what they want for their lives. Have an honest discussion with your son about his goals for the future. If his goal is to go to college--but it does not have to be an Ivy League college--then step back and let him pursue his own dreams. Your son will find success regardless of which college he attends. If it is your son’s goal to attend an Ivy League college and he is overwhelmed with the pressures of being accepted, meet with your school counselor. Your counselor can provide guidance on what different colleges consider when reviewing applicants. Many colleges want students who have been involved in volunteer activities in addition to doing well in academics. If you son is spending all of his time studying, his lack of extra-curricular activities might hurt him. You school counselor is the best resource for guiding your son towards his academic goals. Your son, though, does need to lead a balanced life for his own well-being. Work with him to develop a daily schedule that allows him to study, pursue other activities, and relax.

Fighting

Question: My daughter was in a fight in school. My daughter was sent to alternative school, and the other girl was only suspended. I am thinking about suing the school because this is not fair. What should I do?

Answer: One of the first desires of a parent is to protect the baby. Parents have an innate urge to protect their young from harm. When children are little, this is necessary for their survival. Parents of older children, though, often think they are protecting their children by fighting for them when they feel their children are being treated unfairly. Yet, they are often enabling them. Your daughter and the girl with whom she fought might have unfairly received different consequences. This is difficult to determine, though, since school administrators make decisions based on various factors, and you cannot know the facts related to the other girl’s discipline because of confidentiality. The larger issue here, though, is why your daughter is fighting. Ultimately, your first concern as a parent should focus on why your daughter is fighting rather than why she was disciplined in a certain way. Fighting in school is never acceptable. Schools need to be a safe place for students to learn, and so conflict resolution, peer mediation and anger management programs are made available to teach students peaceful ways of resolving conflicts. Discuss with your daughter why she fought. If she was being bullied and decided to fight back, then she needs to learn what else can be done in situations where she is being victimized. If she instigated the fight or she fought over another issue, then she needs to learn how to manage her emotions. Consult with your school counselor to find out what resources are available to help your daughter successfully manage conflicts, and teach your daughter that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve a problem. This might save her life in the future.

Friendships

Question: My son has always been a loner. He has never had many friends. This year, though, he has met a group of boys who he has been spending a lot of time with. He is now dressing differently. He has become secretive, and he is disobedient. I want him to have friends, but I am uncomfortable with these boys. What should I do?

Answer: Friendships are an important part of childhood. Friendships help children develop social skills, give them a sense of belonging; and provide different types of relationship experiences outside of the family. Yet, friends can be both positive and negative influences on a child. Your son is experiencing some positive benefits from having his friends including a sense of belonging. He could, though, be negatively influenced by their attitudes and behaviors. Have a discussion with your son about friendships. Discuss what the qualities are of good friends and why friends are important. Ask him to share with you what he enjoys about his friendships and what are the positive characteristics about his friends. Expand the discussion to see if he is aware of any negative qualities of his friendships and how he feels about those qualities. Be careful to not directly attack his friends, but allow him to realize on his own if his friends are positive or negative influences. Additionally, provide opportunities for you son to meet other people. This could include becoming involved in an organization like a church youth group or take a class like karate. Find out what interests he wants to pursue. Many children will switch friendships if they find others with whom they are more compatible. If you son chooses to continue his friendships with the boys, and his behavior changes or he starts getting into trouble, you will probably have to forbid him from maintaining the friendships. You will need to enlist the help of school officials to separate the boys at school while you restrict him from talking to the boys at home. You might want to consider counseling for you son as well to help him develop a healthier self-esteem so that he is not drawn to unhealthy relationships. Stay connected to your son so that you will continue to be aware of any behavior concerns and so that he will know you are the safe person to talk to if he has a problem.

Preschool

Question: My son will be three this summer, and I do not know whether or not to send him to preschool. I know there are benefits to socializing with other children, but I just don't think he is ready to be in school.

Answer: The question of when to begin a child's schooling is one with which many parents struggle. A quality preschool experience has been shown to help children feel better prepared and confident when they enter kindergarten. A quality preschool is one that is child-centered where the focus is on allowing children to explore their creativity and play rather than focusing on academics. The teachers in the school should have a genuine desire to work with the early years child age group, and they should have adequate and continuing education to enhance their skills. Additionally, children who attend preschool a few mornings a week will be just as prepared for kindergarten as children who attend preschool full-time, so your child does not need to be in school all day. That being said, some children are not ready to participate in a school setting when they are three years old. Meet with the school director and share your concerns. Ask if your son can visit a classroom to see what his reaction is. If he is interested in what is going on in the room, he is probably ready to start school. Remember the first few weeks (or months) will be filled with crying when you leave him at school, but a good teacher can quickly divert his attention and get him engaged in a fun activity. Be aware that your reluctance to start you son in school might have more to do with your own feelings of letting him go rather than what your son is ready to do. If your son truly is not ready to begin school, it is okay to keep him home another year. But, be positive and enthusiastic about school with your son so that he can understand that school is a fun and exciting place where he will make friends and learn many new things.

Michelle Farias, M.A., L.P.C. is a certified school counselor, a Licensed Professional Counselor and a university instructor for Child and Adolescent Development. Michelle serves as Parent on Purpose's parent coach and question respondent.

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